Universal Dependencies - English - GUM

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Good morning everybody, welcome back to another vlog.

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Today is Wednesday.

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I started out this vlog outside because I really wanted to sit outside in this like beautiful weather and talk to you while I was eating my snack, and like, I just finished filming a main channel video out there, but then my neighbor came outside and like, things got kind of awkward.

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I just feel awkward being like 'what's up guys, 'like, I don't know when my neighbors are out in their backyard.

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So I'm just gonna let them have their peace and quiet, but I just finished my snack.

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I have a lot to do today.

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But like I said.

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Oh yes, also hi, pimple patches galore, so many of them.

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Are these as distracting to you as they are for me?

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Sorry, hi, it's me now.

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My face is breaking out so badly.

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I mentioned it in the last vlog.

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I think it's hormonal.

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I don't know, like I washed my makeup brushes.

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I changed my pillowcases once to twice a week.

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I am like diligent, like vigilant even about my skincare routine.

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So I don't really know what's going on.

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I think it's hormonal, but anyways, this is just real life and I've really been struggling with my appearance lately.

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It's been a really sore spot for me.

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I — we're just jumping right into it, aren't we?

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I'm just being honest, like, I am not in a good place with the way I look.

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And I also think I put way too much emphasis on what I look like, and the fact that I'm putting this on the internet and that I, like, get like this for the internet, is huge for me, it's always been huge for me, but also it's really hard when I'm editing.

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I have a really hard time, like just grappling with my appearance at times, and that's a really toxic thing for your mental health.

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And so I'm trying to break out of that, and I don't know, maybe some of you are also dealing with the same thing and are struggling with, I don't know, I just feel ugly.

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I feel ugly all the time.

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And I know that's not the case and ugly is such a subjective word.

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And also I feel like it's a word meant to like, oppress people, particularly women, but I've just been having a hard time with the way I look.

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Like my face and my hair, my features, the amount of body hair I have in random places because of like my hormones, my weight especially.

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So it's just, it's been rough.

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And I think I'm zooming out right now in my head and realizing that it's been two, almost two years of this shit, and that I obviously need to be more gentle with myself and I think I'm in the process of doing that, and this week, particularly I've been moving my body a little bit more and it's been feeling really good.

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And also, I'm very proud to say that I have actually gone back to therapy, which is something that I haven't done since — I mean the last time I was in therapy, almost I was like 20.

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I'm 33.

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Your girl's got trauma like, it's way past due.

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I think in the past I have really put off therapy because I wasn't ready to like open old wounds.

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And it takes a lot sometimes when you're in therapy, like it takes a toll on you mentally.

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And so, I knew that things were gonna have to get unearthed and things were definitely gonna have to get worse before they got better.

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And I've only just started, but I'm already feeling really good in that I'm taking this step towards bettering myself and it makes me really happy.

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And you know, my therapist, like the very first thing she said was, you know, you doing this takes a lot of courage.

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It's like a lot of bravery involved to do something like this and to kind of want to better yourself and to take these steps for you and your mental health.

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And I was just like, wow, thanks.

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So I did bring that up, the whole thing I was talking about before in therapy, where I have a really hard time with my appearance.

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In fact, it becomes like an obsession and I obsess over little, every angle and thing.

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And it probably doesn't seem that way, by the way I feel myself, but it's always just something that's in here, do you know what I mean?

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Conversations for first thing in the morning what the heck, it's not even 11:00 a.m., but hi, just coming right out of the gate, just with what's fresh on my mind.

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I know you all appreciate when I have these talks and you know, just kind of like get real with you.

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And I mean, doesn't get much realer than this.

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So anyways, today I have quite a bit of filming to do.

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I just filmed my like portion of a main channel video that was outside, that was really fun.

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I think maybe in this video, this vlog, I'm just in the mood to talk, you know, I don't really have much to show.

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I'm not really doing anything this week other than like hunkering down and doing as much work as possible.

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I don't think, maybe in the next vlog I might do some fall things, excuse me.

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I'm really just kind of preparing to go out of town next week and I have like a lot of deadlines and stuff before then.

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So I don't, I kinda just wanna chat.

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But first --

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Okay, I'm gonna try not --

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I'm trying.

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I'm trying.

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I'm just being honest, I was just about to say we need to do something about this.

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I still feel that way, but I'm working on it.

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Let's reconvene after I've had a shower.